


All We Had Is Gone Now

by soniclipstick (veriscence)



Category: Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, M/M, Spoilers for Avengers 34, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 17:16:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2278086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veriscence/pseuds/soniclipstick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> "There was an idea... it had started with two men. One was life, and one was death." </em>
</p><p> </p><p> Falling out of love is hard, falling for betrayal is worse.<br/>- James Arthur</p>
            </blockquote>





	All We Had Is Gone Now

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Tony and Steve belong to Marvel and Disney. 
> 
> The title's a line from the song impossible by James Arthur. I had this song on repeat while writing this. I would do the same while reading it, it just fits.

**_Falling out of love is hard, falling for betrayal is worse._ **

**\- James Arthur**

* * *

 

It takes Steve a long moment to realize he's back at the Tower. Natasha asks him if he's okay and he nearly weeps. He can't look at her but she's clearly expecting an answer so he breathes in and answers in a whispered, "No."

"You wake up one day and the entire world has changed. I never thought I would have to go through that again."

But Natasha is not the only one looking at him with concern; there are the others, and all of a sudden he misses Carol with all his being, wishes she were here so he could tell her how much this hurts. Instead he forces his body up and swallows, forces himself to be _Captain America._ It's okay if Steve falls apart, but _Captain America_ can't and won't.

"What _happened_ to you, Steve?" Clint asks him as Steve walks towards the Avengers machine.

"I had my eyes opened, Hawkeye," Steve says, resolutely not thinking about the first time he'd stood here, astounded at what To- _that man_ had come up with. At the beauty of the idea... Greater threats mean greater needs... "It all started with an idea..." Oh he's mad, he's _furious_. "You wanted bigger, Tony? I'll give you something bigger." He'd been such a gullible idiot. Believing the sweet words, inspiring words spouted from tempting lips that promised him a future. Showed him what they could be. All lies. They'd all been lies; all distractions to keep the truth at bay.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm calling in everyone that'll answer, Clint," Steve says, swallowing the bile that resolutely refuses to stay in his stomach. "I'm going to let them in on exactly what's been going on, and then we're going to hunt down each and every member of Reed and Tony's secret society."

"Are you sure this is the way you want to go?" Clint asks, and Steve, damn it Steve loves Clint, loves him like a father and a big brother and whatever else Clint wants him to be but he wishes Clint could just trust him sometimes, just stop asking him questions to which he has no concrete answers.

"Damn right," Steve says instead, because whatever Iron Man _was_ , he's the enemy now. He and his secret group have become the super villains. Steve doesn't have a choice, it's not on him. _He_ made that choice and now Steve _has_ to do the right thing, even if it kills him. This is responsibility, this is what the Avengers were put together for. To do the right thing. "They're planning to destroy worlds. They might already have."

And Steve thinks he _is_ going to throw up now because he'd put his trust in a man who may have killed trillions already. "Turns out our friends... just happen to be the worst enemies we know."

* * *

They have a couple of hours before the team are adjourned because they're having a hard time tracking down Eden. They leave one by one, Thor and Hyperion and Natasha until it's just Steve and Clint. "I'm sorry, Steve."

Steve holds back a hysterical laugh because he's Captain America and he can't fall apart. He needs Carol to have her memories back and have his back again and listening to him without judging but that's not going to happen. He inhales and exhales, struggling to even out his breathing stutters. But he can't. He's trying but damn it he can't. A moment later Clint right beside him, rubbing his back and holding his hand like he's some scared child.

"People forget that I see more things that just my targets." Clint says softly. "And to be honest, you and Tony were terrible at trying to hide it."

Steve freezes. Because no one was supposed to know. This was supposed to be a burden he was resigned to carry on his own. "I'm not telling ya it's gonna be okay, cause who knows, but for what it's worth. I'm sorry. I was rooting for you two. We all were. I'm so fucking sorry."

Clint squeezes his shoulders. "I'm in the armory before we assemble. If you... you know- need to talk or-" he shrugs and leaves, hands unsubtly rubbing at his eyes. Steve feels grateful, but so embarrassed. So angry. So ashamed. He can't shatter like this, he's the only leader they have now.

He only just makes it to the bathroom of his private rooms before he throws up bile, collapsing against the bathroom door. Then he shakes and he shakes, tears refusing to stop their overflow, sobs persistent in their want to escape his throat. His heart aches despite Steve's attempts to make it still, hand splayed across his chest. He hates this loss of control, this inability to stay calm and move on, accept failure and learn from. He should have known.

He hates that there's a not so small part of him wishing he didn't remember it all now.

* * *

_"I know you people, you're going to build a machine or some kind of weapon without thinking if you should- just because you might need it! And then the debate will turn from should we build this, to under what doomsday scenarios is it acceptable to use the thing? And then slowly, one by one, you'll convince yourselves. We're doing this for the right reasons. There's no other choice. It's the lesser of two evils. Isn't the right, brother?" Steve's mad, but more than that, he's so disappointed. After all they'd gone through, after the civil war and death and resurrection and memory loss and countless other awful things, Steve had done the stupid thing and assumed they'd learned a lesson from all of it, that it hadn't been all for vain. He looks at Tony but Tony can't look back at him._

_"Dammit Steve. Why do you always have to be this way?" Tony mutters, eyes still focused on the ground. He finally looks up and Steve, Steve has known this man for over ten years and he doesn't recognize that look in his eyes. He's a slate wiped clean and Steve can't read the faded marks no matter how hard he tries._

_"What?" He asks._

_"Do it, Stephen."_

_And then he remembers nothing.  
_

* * *

It must have been pity. The look on _that man's_ face. Those eyes. They'd been so bright, so blue, brightest thing he's ever seen; it had been the salvation that had awoken him from the ice. But he recognizes that look now. He's assumed it to be something else. That was how Tony had looked at him when they were alone. When they'd...

Steve throws up again.

* * *

_Steve wakes up in his bed at the Tower with the strangest dream he's had in a long while. When he finally opens his eyes, he doesn't remember much of it, just Reed, Namor, T'Challa and Black Bolt staring at them with, if he didn't know better... pity in their eyes._ _"Nhhmmm?" He shields his eyes from the sudden light as the door to his bedroom opens._

_"Wake up, old man." Tony says, a half-smile gracing that ever familiar face. "I haven't been able to sleep," he confesses, leaning against the doorframe. "I couldn't stop thinking about something you said and well... I've been busy. I'm sorry. I know it's late."_

_"It's fine, Tony. I'm grateful." Steve replies, sitting up. His head's so heavy he has to hold it for a moment to try and chase away the image of those four men from his mind. As if the nightmares of his past weren't bad enough, now he had things that had never happened swimming in his head._

_"Bad dreams?" Tony asks carefully._

_Steve looks up and it's **Tony.** Every other though flees his mind because that's always the way it is when it's just him and Tony. The world ceases to exist in this quiet space between them. This is Tony who he's fought with and against, laughed with and at and held in tears and joy. But Steve knows Tony has enough nightmares of his own, so he keeps his dark dreams to himself and instead says, "Something like that."_

_"Come on, I'll buy you a coffee." Steve smiles and follows him into the light._

_"So... this idea has been running through my mind- **it's overwhelming** \- all-consuming - and I can't turn it off. The exact same thing happened the day we found you." _

_"You remember that?" Steve asks him in pleasant surprise, he knows his cheeks are heating up, his insides are warm. He remembers being cold, and then those blue eyes. Blue eyes shouldn't be this warm. It makes no sense. Then again, Tony never had._

_"Oh..." Tony stops in the hallway and faces him." I remember everything about that day. We started something that mattered. Because of you, the world changed. **I changed.** " Steve's never thought of it that way."See," Tony throws an arm over his shoulders and leads him to the labs, "The best ideas are always the simplest. And the last week when we were talking about how things keep **escalating...** how the world is ever more dangerous, how threats are more frequent... how our enemies are seemingly endless... Well, Steve, that's a complex problem, but you had a pretty simple answer... Do you remember what you said?" _

_"I do," Steve replies, mesmerised. This isn't the first time Tony's gone off like this, and it definitely won't be the last, but it's always a privilege and a pleasure to watch him as he gets excited, engrossed by whatever new idea is swirling around in his brain. Steve can't stop looking, can't help feeling so lucky to have survived and lived long enough to see this. Tony... Tony is his best friend in the whole world, and he's been so lucky._

_"Well, now I'm sure you were right..."_

****__  


_They're in the situation room now. Tony sprawls out on a chair, and Steve listens while drinking from the promised coffee. They go through the member prospects, old and new, from Carol and Jess to Tamara and Izzy._

_"Okay..." Steve finally says," We can make this work."_

_" **It has to work.** When we engage the mechanism, they have to come." There's fervour in his voice and passion in his eyes. There's no stopping Steve now. He's waited so long, survived befriending, loving, hating and still loving this man. He couldn't stop if he tried._

_And he's not trying._

_"Great threats mean greater needs, Tony... they'll come," Steve tells him, because if there's anything he believes in, it's that look in Tony's eyes. He puts his mug down on the table, wraps a hand around Tony's wrist, and pulls him in for a kiss that's been in the making for a decade._

* * *

Steve dry heaves again, but there's nothing left in his stomach, no way to expel the taste of alcohol free beer and blueberries from his mouth. He wishes he could taste ashes instead.

* * *

_Sometimes Steve looks at this machine, at how big it is and what it can achieve, and he has to find Tony and kiss him, tell him how much Steve loves him, because it's so beautiful. He doesn't understand it, but it's theirs. It's something Tony and Steve made and put together, their brainchild. It is the promise of their compound dreams._

_Sometimes, if they're alone and it's late enough and Steve doesn't feel bad about disturbing Tony from working, they'll do more than kiss. Sometimes Steve needs him so badly that they never manage to leave the lab. Tony never minds, so Steve lets himself believe that maybe Tony wants this as badly as him too. Maybe Steve isn't the only one who can't help himself._

_Other times, Steve kisses Tony soft and sweet, presses his thumbs against Tony's jaw and will walk up to his bedroom alone, making sure no one's following. Always Steve's bedroom but Steve understands, he's okay with that. He'll wait until Tony locks the door behind him and then they'll take it slow. That's the part Steve loves the most, he thinks, unwrapping Tony. They'd seen each other naked before they began this... whatever this is, but it's different from catching each other in SHIELD showers or while suiting up. This isn't Iron Man and Captain America, this is Tony Stark and Steve Rogers._

_The first time, Steve had been so nervous he'd nearly called Sam and confessed. Because this wasn't like Sharon or anyone else... this was Tony._

_Tony was something else. And not just because he was a man or because he was infamous for freely giving his affections away. Tony was... Tony was so much and everything and the entire world. Steve had been terrified. Steve will never forget how he had kept his hands strictly above Tony's waistline until he'd asked Steve what was wrong. Until Tony had smiled his all knowing smile and kissed him deeply before dropping to his knees to make Steve scream until his voice had been sore._

_Nowadays, Steve has a lot more confidence. He knows what Tony likes, what he doesn't like. He knows about the sensitive spot near his collarbone that can make Tony come without a hand on him, knows that kissing the backs of his knees is a sure fire way to make Tony scream. Steve isn't afraid to admit if he had to choose between kissing the backs of his knees or being inside of Tony, he'll always choose the kissing._

_Sometimes they'll curl up in bed together, Tony's head carefully cradled against Steve's chest. Sometimes Steve will fall asleep and wake up to find his chest wet where Tony's face is, and he doesn't know how to ask, doesn't have the words that will keep Tony from running away, so he just holds him close. He doesn't utter any three word confessions, because that tends to set off body wracking sobs. Steve has learned to just hold him through those bad nights. Depression is a chronic illness after all, and Steve was the one who fell in love with someone suffering from it. He does what he can, and hopes against all hope that it's enough._

_Tonight Steve looks at the machine and he looks at Tony in his seat, looking exhausted and worried; and he doesn't know how to give Tony this thing before he leaves. It's two am and that gives them a few more hours. Usually the other Avengers would be asleep but they're going to war in space and their ship isn't even finished so he highly doubts it. It's just the two of them in the situation room though, and Steve can't leave Tony alone with the machine and so many things to do. He doesn't actually know how to help so he makes coffee and massages Tony's shoulders and then makes more coffee. Jessica walks in and casts a look at the two of them, clad in yellow pajamas. "Alright you two, off to bed. We're going to need our leaders to be ready and sharp tomorrow, and you two look like zombies. I've seen zombies..." she tilts her head. "My mom's made zombies, I think... they look better than the two of you. I got this for a few hours, so you two catch up on the hours you're missing, and Steve, you keep Clint quiet enough so I can sleep a bit on the ship. Is that a deal?"_

_Steve smiles at her and shrugs his shoulders. "Well, we can't go to space looking like zombies can we?"_

_"No siree, the aliens will think we all look like that- and that's an embarrassment to the planet."_

_Tony snorts at that. "Go to bed, Steve, I've got some things to look over-"_

_"-with the ship? I got that covered- see how awesome I am? Beast's on it." Jessica kicks at Tony's legs and he moves them off the table before getting up._

_"You're a menace, Spider-Woman," Tony tells her fondly before letting her have his seat. Steve has to hide his smile._

_"That's Spider- **Man.** " Jess tells him smartly. "J-cubed likes me. Now go away, you're disturbing my work."_

**_J-cubed?_ ** _Steve mouths to Tony who shrugs and walks towards the door. "Good night, Steve."_

_"Good night, Tony."_

_Steve takes a half hour to check with the rest of the team before making it back to his room. Suddenly, he finds himself sandwiched between the closed door and Tony's naked torso. "What took you so long?" He growls before pulling at Steve's suit._

_"We should sleep," Steve suggests half-heartedly, but he's stepping out of his suit now, naked and hard against Tony, arms coming to rest around Tony's waist._

_"Already choosing sleep over fucking me? I guess the honeymoon phase really is over," Tony whispers into his ear, then bites it. Steve gasps and clutches at Tony. How did he ever manage without this? Without Tony in his bed... Tony as his everything? Desperation gnaws at him and Steve captures Tony's mouth in a hard kiss, pushing them both until they're on his bed, Steve above Tony. Tony's hard and Steve knows there's no question, there's no choice. It's always been Tony. But he has to ask because he's not a God or immortal, and he might not come back and he wants this with a desperation he hates because he feels so vulnerable. **Don't be a coward** , Steve tells himself and swirls his tongue around one of Tony's nipples._

_"How about I choose option number three?"_

_"And what option is that?" Tony gasps as Steve moves onto sucking a hickey into his collarbone._

_"The one where you fuck me." Steve tells him, heart bare._

_Tony swallows. "Steve... I-"_

_"Please. Please," Steve isn't one to beg but he's also not one to have regrets. He loves Tony and he's not afraid to show his weakness to this man. This beautiful, smart, clever, passionate man. "I need you inside of me, please."_

_Tony swallows again, then sits up, propping himself up on his elbows, saying "Okay... okay, okay, okay," as if that's the only word he knows._

_And then they both stop talking completely._

_It's everything Steve has ever wanted or dreamed of and yet so much more. Tony usually likes to be on his hands and knees, likes to have Steve's chest against his back as he breaches him. Tony doesn't like a lot of prep. But when it's Steve's turn, Tony coaxes him onto his back and opens him up gently, using fingers and tongue and sometimes both and Steve forgets that they're supposed to be quiet because the walls aren't as soundproof as they would like them to be. When Tony rips open the condom packet, Steve begins to turn over like Tony usually does but Tony stops him with a hand on his thigh. Then Steve doesn't know anything anymore before Tony is actually inside of him, and it's... it's everything._

_Steve wonders again how he ever survived without this... how he'd walked the earth all these years while missing the most vital part of him... how he'd ever been capable of running around while missing his lifeblood. The tears don't stop no matter how hard he tries and Tony kisses them away even as his own tears wet Steve's face._

_Steve wakes up three hours later. He's alone, but there's a piece of paper in his hand and when he opens it up, it says, 'I love you. -T.' in a messy scrawl. Steve smiles. It's okay, he thinks. It's okay even if no one else knows, even if Tony can't say those words out loud. Steve Rogers doesn't regret this._

_Steve's eyes stay in the direction of the Tower, long after they take off, even after Tony's nothing but a speck of red._

* * *

_He gets the message when the universal net pops back up. Waiting for Tony to pick up the call is so painful -Please God, please let him still be alive- that when Tony says, "Well, well, I feel like my mother's calling." Steve can't help but laugh. It's maybe a little hysterical but that's between him and Tony. No one else will know how hard he's clutched that piece of paper, how bright his eyes are right now._

_"...Negative Steve. We're going now, and more importantly, I'm sending you coordinates to where Thanos will be. He's the primary target. We'll take care of this... And I'll see you there."_

_It's not what Steve would have done, but Steve trusts Tony, and they save the day in the end. And if Steve and Tony disappear a little early during the festivities afterwards, well. It's not like anyone noticed._

* * *

There's nothing left. It had all been a lie. Those bright blue eyes hadn't been filled with love, but pity. It hadn't been a fear of uttering those words as much as fear that the lie wouldn't stick. He drags a piece of paper out of one of the pockets of his suits and looks at the words. The scrap sheet is covered in dirt and a bit of blood, wrinkles and tears marking all the times it had been pulled out over the last few months since he'd received it. Steve tears it up and throws the shredded bits into the toilet. He flushes it all down the drain.

 _So this is what it feels like,_ Steve thinks to himself wryly, _to have to cut out your own heart._ He shakes his head in frustration. Steve doesn't have time for regrets, not today. Captain America needs to get his head on straight. He's an Avenger, and his work isn't done yet. He stands up and straightens his suit, pulling his cowl over his swollen eyes.

How could he have missed it? Had his feelings clouded his vision so badly he couldn't tell reality apart from his wishes? How could he have judged someone so wrong?

Tony... Tony's gone. The Tony Steve had loved without abandon had probably never existed. There is only this monster, this villain determined to destroy the very thing that made them all human. To take away their humanity.

And that leaves him with a mission. The Avengers have a monster to take out.

Steve makes his way to the situation room, they're all there- all the ones he'd called. Greater threats means greater needs. At least he hadn't been wrong about that. The machine, all their- _his-_ hopes had been based on a lie, but the dream had come to fruition anyway. They all came. When he called, they came.

By the looks on their faces, they know what's happened. He only needs to look at Jessica's shrug and Natasha's raised eyebrow for proof. So Captain America says the one thing he always says, the one thing that he'll never regret saying, the one thing that's keeping him going. Because he can't stop, not yet. Even if it kills him, he has to move forward for these words. 

_"Avengers assemble."_

 

__

 

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of feels about Avengers Vol. 5 Issue 34. So I wrote this because writing's quite cathartic. This is my first 616 fic, so please let me know what you thought about it and how I can improve. 
> 
> I also think I should emphasize that this fic is from Steve's point of view and he's an unreliable narrator, he only sees the story from his point of view and we end up missing Tony's side entirely. I'm actually considering writing a side piece of what Tony went through during this time as well. 
> 
> There's a lot of quoting the original material, most of it's from the first issues and parts of the fourth trade. Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
